Moved to Tears of Sadness – A New Chapter

24 07 2013

Well, we are moved.  No longer being renters in a house, and now back into an apartment.  Doing what my wife and I had disscussed about doing. Smaller place, cheaper rent, and a community to get to really know.

And I’m finding I really don’t like this. We lived in the house that we were renting for 8 years. My youngest daughter took her first steps, said her first words, and had her first Christmas there. Never again.

I’ve been sad for a few days now.  The combination of unpacking, feeling the loss of sentimental items that were either sold or given away, and the money being very tight, I’ve just fallen into a sulk that is hard to get out of.

We had to sell and give away things that we would have rather kept. I’m thinking about my grandmother’s piano. Oh sure, I haven’t been playing it but it was a part of her and my past that I would love to have held on to. But with an upstairs apartment and no room for it, it had to go. At least it went to a person who will use it and it’s no longer a dust catcher.

I feel though by getting rid of the piano that I’ve given the last part of the woman who was a HUGE influence on me in the garbage. I love her still. I wish she was here right now to help pick me up. I always could pick up the phone and call her when I was really down. She always helped me when the finances were bleak too. And now that is not available. I’ve got some work driving a couple of charters coming up, but we are now at a point where the safety net is broken and a new one is needed. Without grandma now I have to depend on my wife to get me though the sadness.

I hit the point where I just wanted to curl up and die. Not kill myself, but just die. I feel like I’m at the preverbal end of my rope. It feels as if the world that I knew is gone. I have NO idea what is going to happen and I have lost my sense of direction. My wonderful wife told me today that she feels God is with us. She even said that I am wonderful Hard to see that through this fog.

What I used to be so sure about is gone. There is a blank page ahead and I can’t see any words being formed on it. It’s like those blank pages at the beginning and end of a book. They are space fillers. I want to know what is on the pages AFTER those. But I’m unable to see them.

I feel blank. I feel like I have no identity that I can recognize. I KNOW that I’m a husband, father, and bus driver, but that isn’t an identity, is it? These are descriptions of what I do, but is it really my identity?

I don’t feel depressed. This isn’t like when I would feel sorry for myself and cycle down to a point where everything is terrible. I just feel sadness. I feel sorry for my family. I was lucky enough to grow up in one house and never moved from my grandmother’s house. My wife had to move around quite a bit growing up. The two eldest girls have been through moves before. Shelby, the youngest is having problems with this too. I’m saddened that I have not given my family the “American Dream” of having a house to pass on to them. I’m saddened that what we thought would be our living space for at least another 10 years didn’t pan out. I’m saddened that my kids won’t get to experience coming home from college to their house.

I’m saddened that I don’t know what God has in mind for us now.

With that said, my hope is that I can get some sleep, be restored and renewed before I have to drive on Friday. My faith that there IS God is not shaken, but how I THOUGHT he wanted things to go is. This makes me sad too. This must be the type of suffering that builds up a child of God. I’m unsure that this post makes any sense, but if you are feeling sad, this proves that you are not alone in sadness.

I’m not going to attempt to give some kind of pep talk or nice platitudes to make myself feel better or get out of my sadness. Even now, while I’m writing this, my youngest just dropped something and is not in a good mood herself. She’s now crying and she doesn’t even understand why she is. I’m feeling like her, 8 years old, and unsure of what will happen now. Sadness is a state of being that MUST be lived out. I’ll get through this.

I do apologize if this bums you out, reader. Sometimes I think we forget how to have compassion for someone who is sad for no apparent reasons. One thing I have learned from this is to let people cry and don’t hush them or berate them for doing so. I hope that I can cry all this sadness out and rediscover some light hearted joy soon. One chapter ended. The start of this new chapter is sad. I hope when it ends that it will be a happy one.

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