REAL Defense of Marriage

27 03 2013

I’ve tried to keep my voice out of this debate about “gay marriage” but I feel moved to push against this war and start a different movement.  One that doesn’t focus on “rights” but on the characters of those who ARE married or want to get married.   FIGHT TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE GOING! 

The standard in the USA today seems to be that the act of marriage is just a social contract that can be broken when one or both people are tired of each other and want their “freedom”.   This image doesn’t help when most married couples in movies and TV are presented as  little kids playing house and there is no real commitment to each other.   The last time I saw a real committed couple on screen in was Steve Martin and Diane Keaton in the remake of Father of The Bride.  Our culture would rather have us be individualistic to the point of not needing each other or even commit to a vision.  So the real problem is not that homosexuals want to have the same civil rights that a traditional marriage, it’s the traditional marriage that the couple doesn’t submit to each other and work to make the marriage be a safe haven, unconditional place of love, acceptance, and to help each other heal from the wounds of the past.     

  My wife had been living  with a very passive/aggressive little boy.  Without realizing it at the time, I was looking to replace my mom.  I wanted someone to take care of me.  I bought into the lie that in marriage that the man of the house is the king and the wife is the “helper”.  By that I mean slave.   I found out that the reality of marriage, the “happily ever after” was over romanticized.  I demanded love.  I would throw tantrums. I became abusive to my wife.  The manchild that I was didn’t see my wife as an equal.  I was a bully.   

My wife and I filed for a divorce together and separated.  

  This was the moment I turned back to God. 

I spent some time getting to understand God again.  I went back to the Methodist church and started to heal from the wounds that I gave myself.  A few months later I got a call from wife saying that she had gone back to a Catholic church and felt that God wanted her to call me.   With that conversation  I see this as LOVE, GRACE and the LORD proving to us that we were MEANT to be together.   We got back together and started having children.  But even then I was still not changed.  I fell back into the same habits and was a demanding child in an adult body.  I still was abusive.  And I was being a stay at home dad, which went against the traditional model of marraige  that I had grown up with. There was no example to follow in that.  I felt like less of a male and more of a failure.  It wasn’t until much later that I really understood that God had created a new creation in me and part of the stay at home dad thing was to help me heal and change my heart.  

 Kathleen and I became very active in a local Methodist congregation.   There I found the example on how to be married became from the Pastor and her husband.  Pastor Becky Goodwin and Chuck Meyer.  The other example for me on how to be married is my in-laws.  Bruce and Susan Burton.  You see, the example set for me on how a couple should act when married  broke up when I was 18.  I grew up with parents who fought , it seemed, all the time.   My parents fought about money, career, and even how to raise the kids.  

Growing up in house where my dad had taught science and then became a principal and a mom who never seemed satisfied with the life she had and then having a Grandma who was a midwestern Methodist, I got a very interesting education in liberalism and conservatism.    I also saw how a social marriage worked and not a marriage put together by God.  Harsh words but this is how I perceive this. 

Thank GOD for the Burtons and the Goodwin-Meyers.  They showed me what a real marriage is all about.  My father-in-law taught me that sometimes it’s best for the husband to “just go along for the ride”.  Chuck Meyer showed me what it is to be a loving father and spouse and to be able to have individual interest while supporting emotionally his wife.  Chuck also helped the small town of Rancho Cordova CA obtain cityhood so it wouldn’t have to depend on Sacramento for everything.  He spent a good deal of time at home with his kids.  He passed away from Melanoma in the brain a few years ago.  

These are TWO men who have a love of Christ that they may not speak of, but show with their actions how they relate to their God.  So now I feel it’s time to pass on this image.  

The real defense of YOUR marriage is to stop thinking that the relationship is all about yourself.  A marriage is more than just the social benefits recognized by a tax code,  or a hospital who says that you are family.  GOD sees and understands love, for I do believe that He put it in the heart of everyone.  You forget this because there is a sinister force in the world that really wants people to think that they are all alone.  There is an evil that want you to be all about yourself, just look at the story of Jesus being tempted in the desert.   I really do think that Jesus is FOR people being committed to each other in Agape.  I have experienced that myself.    

So if you are gay, straight or something in between  and want to be in a committed relationship that is more than just a social contract that will be recognized by the state, GO FOR IT!  But don’t make it all about you.  Make the sacrifice and start doing things for your partner.  Don’t go around flirting with other people.  Settle down and start enjoying each other.   Let the  romance become something more and deeper.   Don’t enter into a marriage lightly.  Your life will only change if you finally commit to someone besides your own selfish ego.  You will find that having children forces you out of adolescence,  and you will have to deal with that evil voice telling you that you are king.  You will be tempted many times to cheat and act the way the world is telling you should act.  That you are still an individual and that you are the most important person.  Make sure you have people who can keep you grounded and honest in your relationship with your partner. 

As for those who are against gays living with each other, examine your own life first before making a judgement about the life that YOU are denying yourself.    Seek within your heart and ask God to examine you inside and out.   Even if you are an unbeliever I trust that you can take an inventory of what goes on in your inner being and get the help so you won’t just go on your own definition and understanding first.  

I am on a mission.  That mission is to prevent bullying in ANY relationship.  That mission is to prevent people from marrying for JUST social benefits.  My mission is to tell this story you have just read so you will not make the same mistakes that I have made.   This is also an appeal to ALL males.  It doesn’t matter to me if you are attracted to the same sex, but do realize that your actions will set the course for ANY relationship.  Make sure you have learned to have self control in any situation, other wise you are headed for a break up that you might not come back from.  As crazy as it sounds, put GOD first in your life and see what happens.  You don’t have to start with the Bible or any Religious ideal.  Ask your heart what it needs, not what it wants. 

As for those of you who choose NOT to marry at all.  Good for you.  The truth is that not everyone needs to be married, no matter what society says.  I believe that marriage is NOT for everyone, but for those that really want to be with a person and live a life together til each other’s body is worn out, be kind to each other.  See each other as a divinely made human.  Be quick to forgive.  Don’t “play” house.  LIVE out your life and see how it enhances your loved one.  Build on Agape, not infatuation, looks or financial gains.   

For me marriage is now a haven AND Heaven on Earth.   Oh there’s those days where the kids get to my soul and make me want to let the bully out again, but my wife is now there to stop him.  I find that my old “broken” childhood family is no longer an issue. For many years I kept wishing and attempting to put back my mom and dad in a place where I could have them nearby, but I’ve come to understand that will never happen now.  They both have new lives and even though they brought me into the world, I thank my Heavenly Father and brother Jesus for being the head of my life.  I now have the family I always wanted.  It took giving up what I thought the family model should be and let God guide us.  

If there was anything that I could put into a Constitution about marriage is that it should not be entered into on a whim, lust or without the guidance of another married couple. I know that would never be put in because it really DOES make good common sense.   

It’s time to stop equating marriage with civil laws.  It’s time to stop defending an institution and return marriage to what it SHOULD be.  A joining of two souls to become one.  That each person brings hurts to each other and that we love each other though the hurts to become whole again.  It’s time to LOVE as you are LOVED. 

This is the REAL protection of a marriage and that the marriage is BLESSED.  

YOU and your spouse will NOT be hurt by two people of the same sex entering to a marriage recognized by your  city, state, country or world.  Your marriage may not be of the “American”  ideal, but if it’s built on Agape, you will reflect the God you follow.  



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