My Loss

9 08 2012

This has been a trying week for me.  My middle daughter is off to camp on the Oregon Coast in Florence, my wife went off to Lompoc to visit family, my eldest daughter is feeling ill and if she doesn’t get better by tomorrow she may end up not performing at a music and drama camp that she has been attending this week during the day. Meanwhile, my thoughts have been turning to my Grandma who passed on to the Heavenly Realm back in January.  

I feel that I have lost something and I want to find what I lost but I have no idea where to find it.  

My grandma is/was a wonderful person.  She had that midwestern stubbornness that comes from that area of the country.  But she was like  a mother to me.  When my mom or dad wasn’t around, she was always there to take care of me.  I will admit that there was a time when I valued her money more than I valued her love.  She was a bit of a miser and didn’t spend her money that much, always did what she could for all her family.  Doris Schmidt lived through the Great Depression and really taught me to trust God, not just from the Bible, but from what he tells you from inside of you.  

I drove past her old house yesterday, the same one that I spent my entire childhood in, and noticed that the new owners had put up a chain-link fence around the back yard.  You can see this from the street.  Grandma would NOT like that. Fences  cut you off from your neighbors.   It hit me hard that my Grandma’s legacy is done. 

 

I miss my daughter Beth, she being the one off to camp. I will go get her tomorrow, but I was a Stay At Home Dad with her and not having her present here feels like a loss too.  Oh she is aggravating at times, what child isn’t to a parent, what with her “no one cares about me”  middle child syndrome,   But I miss her laugh and even her “errrmmmm” when she won’t speak to me.  I know she is safe with the Girl Scout staff and is having the time of her life right now. But I miss her.  

My wife has been out of town now for a few days, because she wanted to see her last living Grandma.  Kathleen, my wife, has been the lucky one because she has gotten to know  more that one Grandma. I’ve got to admit that I’m a bit jealous of her relationship with them.  I only got to know and love my grandma on my mom’s side.  With Kath gone this week, I feel that a part of me went missing.  I used to think that it was a co-dependency thing when she went away. That I could not function without her, make a decision  without her permission, all those things that I should be able to do on my own.  I have come to understand that  this type of thinking is not beneficial and leads me to be depressed and selfish.  Yet, I have become INTER dependent on her.  Understanding really what the Biblical idea says about the “two becoming one”.  

I am a sentimental sap.  I LOVE MY WIFE!  I don’t want to be without her because I feel that a part of me is gone when she is NOT near me.   I had a nightmare which shook me awake last night. Kath’s plane disappeared. Vanished.  Yet I KNEW she had not died. The search couldn’t find the plane, and I couldn’t either.   I remember feeling like I would NEVER want to share my family with ANYONE ever again when I find her.  That really is what shook me awake.   That I was unwilling to share family with anyone else.  

My eldest daughter’s sickness doesn’t help me at all. Though I’m doing what I can to help her feel comfortable I doubted that she was really sick.  My perception goes immediately to “You’re faking it” instead of consoling and believing her, that she is speaking the truth.  I should have see that she really IS sick because Suzy grabs her Molly dog toy when she is feeling ill.  I get to the point where I think that she is only sick because of me and the way I’ve been so depressed.   This I KNOW to be false.  Her having tummy problems is NOT about me, but it sure  feels that it SHOULD be. 

I didn’t want my grandma to die. Our relationship had been strained over the past few years and I couldn’t take seeing her turn back into a helpless baby.  That what she looked like in her death bed. Her mind started to slip away and I didn’t want her to go back to God.  

I don’t like having a child more than an hour away from me, Beth is 3 and a half hours away, because if something goes incredibly bad that I can’t be there to hold her right away.  I don’t like my wife being so far away that I can’t hug her and feel her touch  when I’m feeling sad.

 

I don’t like having ANY of my family to be sick!   I also don’t like being lied to. I don’t like to feel that I can’t trust family. I don’t want to be judge and jury.  I don’t want to do these things and end up pushing family away or being so selfish that I become stand offish.  I want to feel loved again.  You HAVE to love your family unconditionally, but the world teaches that you are not loved unless you follow the rules and not be selfish.  Love, as you want to be loved.  Though I find this to be truth, it doesn’t always FEEL like it will work. 

I despise that our culture has made it nearly impossible for a guy to have honest feeling show.  We are taught to put on a mask, swallow our tears, put our dreams aside for the sake of the women,  and be a servant to the family.  THAT sounds like conditional love.  THIS IS WRONG! Wrong, WROng, WRONG!   I really want to loose this false thing.  It’s driving me nuts!  I want to regain the pure unconditional being of love.  I need to forgive myself for believing in false feelings.

 Christ, am I the only guy who feels this way?    Perhaps this is a GOOD selfishness.  Perhaps selfishness for unconditional love is what really will drive us to BE love in the world?   I had never thought that selfishness could be GOOD. That there might be something to being selfish  in LOVE ?   

I want my family to be happy and not suffer needlessly.  I want us to WANT to be with each other, not just exist with each other. I want my family to love people outside our family as if the are their brothers and sisters. I want our “I love yous” to be honest and heartfelt.   I want our family to quit being “it’s all about me” to “it’s all about YOU and I”. If this is selfish of me, than I see this as a good way to be selfish.   

So what is my loss?  My loss is that I am NOT the only person in this world.  My loss is that reality is NOT about my need for love, but that I WANT to be loved and GIVE love without fearing that my ACTION will  be rejected. I’ve been living a fearful life this week. Most of what I’ve put here is just that. FEARING what might happen. FEARING that love can only be given under condition.  This is my problem and something I really DO need to lose. I hope to never find it again.  

 

  

I hope to regain what I’ve lost.  That LOVE that comes from others and not just from within.   Perhaps that is what is really wrong. That I don’t want to loose the love of those closet to me ever again.  

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