Is It Too Much?

21 07 2011

It was one of those blow up days.

I still don’t really understand why I blow up.

Perhaps though this post I can work this out a bit.

Yesterday I was not feeling well and had to take the van to a shop to get it looked at. Now I don’t like to do that and I really dislike having to talk to people who know more than I do about ANY subject. I feel stupid when it comes to cars and the maintenance of them. I have a commercial driver’s license so I do know a bit more than the average person when it comes to driving a vehicle, but that has nothing to do with getting a car repaired.

So I get the call about what needs fixing and it turns out to be quite a lot. Now I’m starting to hit a panic mode. As the tech reads to me what we would have to pay up front for certain things, I start to see my near future eroding. The planned short vacation at the coast might not happen. How will we get the middle daughter back from camp? How many days will the van be in the shop? Shit. Shit. SHIT!

Now the tech is telling me that because it’s so late in the day to get back to him tomorrow because they are closing up soon.

Now a regular person would not be freaking out about this and would just take the night to decide on what work to do. Which is what has to happen, but I don’t like to wait. I held my tongue and hung up. I waited for my wife to get home. But I was getting more nervous about how much all the repairs are gonna cost. I let my wife deal with the financial things of our family. I’ve never been very good at doing the bills. I’ve learned to live with not having money in the bank, or very little.

So I called a buddy of mine while I awaited my wife’s return. Not much help there. I was wanting someone to tell me what to do. I really have a hard time making these decisions on my own. So I prayed. I got no answer and no direction on what to do.

Here comes my wife home. I tell her what goes on with the car. I look over my notes from the conversation with the tech and discover I took crappy notes. Everything is starting to fall apart in my head. I start to have these ideas that I will never be able to face people. I start to panic about the possibility of not going on a trip. I am crying and throwing things because I didn’t get the car fixed when we had more money in the bank. My wife tells me we will work it out, that we have funds and will make choices on what to have done right now so we can drive the car. I’m not hearing her and still having these attacking ideas that because I didn’t take care of the car that I will NOT be able to take care of my family. That I’m no good and I should just leave the family because I’m leading them to a life of unstable finances.

I ended up just crying.

I asked my wife to take care of making the final choices on what needs to be done on the car. She will have to call this morning. Then she’s going to her folks house by bus to borrow her mom’s car till ours is fixed. This makes me feel a bit useless. I feel like I should be taking care of this but I really don’t know how. You’re not a man if you don’t have big bucks and the American Dream. All of this is a lie and such utter bullshit. But I still live like this is the truth. It happens every time things don’t go the way I think they will.

The confusion I feel comes from the ideals of the world saying that I am not a man if I don’t come to the rescue of the maiden. I’m not a man if I don’t do things the way that a man should do them. I’m not a man if I can’t take control of my small little world and hold it together by myself.

These lies haven’t been taken out of me. Time and time again I’ve prayed for these to be taken away from me and yet I find the cycle happens again and again. It’s like watching a bad episode of a TV show that you know is bad but yet you can’t stop watching that episode to find out WHY it’s so bad. It’s almost like an addiction, to find all that is wrong with you and believe that you will never get better.

I really don’t want to blow up and have an emotional break down over money again. Is that too much to ask of God, to not let me break down? Is it too much to ask of God that I finally know what it is that I need to do so my family will always have some funds in the bank? Is it too much to ask of my Lord that we will not be of financial need?

So here I am this morning still wondering what it is I’m supposed to do. I used to have dreams of being a big time actor that used his money for family and friends. I used to have dreams of being a big time performer and playing drums with great bands. I used to have dreams of not renting a house but owning and having my family around me in my old age. I used to have dreams about having my own movie house that could also be used for live theatrical performances. I used to dream of having a camp where people could come and find rest for a spell. Is it too much to ask on how to make these dreams come true?

Is it too much to ask God for a world of peace? Is it too much to ask God for me to be perfected and perfect?

Life seems too hard. I’m still too much focused on the financial gains and not enough on the wonderful Lord that shows that money is fleeting and not worth worrying over. Is it too much to ask that I be “normal”?

What is too much?

Now I’m feeling the presence of God. I hear a voice saying, “Depend on me, not Money.” I’m wanting to stutter “But, but, but, but, but,”. “Stop that” the voice says. “Depend completely on me and the one I sent to you.”

That is enough.

I see now what part of my problem is that I don’t get quiet enough when a stressful situation arises. I don’t turn to God when my little world starts to fall. I don’t turn on to being a dependent child of God. I rebel against my Lord when I try to take care of things by myself. I rebel against my Lord when I put money on HIS throne instead of having Him sit on it. I need to depend on HIS voice within me. I need to depend on the advice of my wife and friends. I don’t have to do this all alone.

This is enough.

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