Back and Forth

8 01 2010

I have to admit that I’m getting tried of the school bus thing.  I don’t like having to come down on students, I feel that parents should be the ones who teach their children respect and courtesy.  And for some reason, I’m having to see the assistant manager again this week.

Now no one likes to have to visit with management TWICE in one week.  And these big companies tend to have the assistant managers do “the dirty work” and are then very overworked.

A couple of times I have been an assistant manager and I never want to do that work again.  Having to “correct” people or finding out what has to happen because an employee may have messed up.  All the while the main manager is talking and hanging out with other people and seems to not be doing anything that is job related.

I had sought out the assistant this morning and the woman, who was looking stressed out anyways, said to come back later.   So I will.  Because I do understand the ways of the manager.

I worked for some great managers in my life and most of those became “work friends”.  You know, the people you hang out at work with but would never go to their house and hang.  But you were able to talk to them about personal problems and get on with work.

I drove home from my morning bus run after being  tagged and started thinking about all the things that could be wrong, that “what did I do now” crap.  Back on Monday  it was just a paperwork thing.   But then I started to focus on Cheryl, the assistant at work.

I remember what it was like to be doing all this work so that I could become the manager at some point.  And I think that it takes a certain type of personality to be a manger.  I am not that. I remember the stress of having to tell an employee that they messed up and not wanting to be the barer of bad news.  I saw that same harried look in her eyes.  She didn’t know why she needed to see me, the paperwork was at her office in the other building.  Why she was having to help with payroll work, I don’t know.  And that is not my place to know, but I then saw in her eyes a look of tiredness and what the job was doing to her.

All I know to do is  treat her the way I would like to be treated. As I focus not on what she needs to see me for, but to just go and hear and be there for HER,  I think I might be able to alleviate and perhaps put a smile on her face and in her heart.

Perhaps it’s the wet, cold weather.  Perhaps it’s the coming out of the “joy to the world” bubble.  But where I work, it’s not hard to see that there are not very many happy people there.

I see a lot of jaded drivers.   I hear tons of things that are “wrong” with the company.   I hear drivers cussing up a storm before a run, and then expect their students not to cuss on the bus.  Smiles seemed to be forced.  Laughter is not heard.  And now I understand why my heart has kinda dropped out of the job.

I just wish everyone would loosen up and love life again.  Understand that you are meant to be a team.   That the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few or the one.

Part of the reason I would like to leave the job now is all this negativity makes me sad.   I just really wonder what would happen to the world if we would let things just go, that have done nothing but a slight inconvenience.     What if we could walk in the other person’s skin for one moment.  I think people have given up on each other.   We only want what we want for ourselves.  I know I’m guilty of that.   Over the Christmas break something changed in me.  I don’t feel guilty OVER the wanting what I want at the moment.   I understand that you don’t always get what you want.  But you get what you need.

We all need love, every moment of the day.  You can pray to God, you can feel that love, but it’s when you see or feel love from another person, understanding that correction is not about you doing wrong, but about that part of God that is in the other person is loving you and making you aware of that.

I am a good driver.  That I know.  I love to drive, but because of the high costs to the environment and how much it costs for gas, I can’t afford to drive my car just for a lark.   I love the children on the bus, though I wish parents would do more than just put them on.  I can tell those kids who have been nurtured in a way that has made them ready for life and those kids who are acting out like a bad television sitcom and being a stereotype of “troubled” kids.

So here I go, back and forth on what to do.  As for going back and find out why I’m “on the carpet”  I’m not worried about. What ever it is, it is just that, an “it” to find out the “what”.  I don’t know if God has a hand in me being a light to the world or not.   That will always go forth.

I will go back to the school to take the children home and then back home myself.   But I do find that the needs of these children are outweighing my personal grief.

Why am I more concerned with how others feel and how can I help to change the way they are feeling than my own feelings?

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