Keeping Forgiveness Out

25 11 2009

Over the past day I had felt unworthy of God because I had thought I made an error that upset someone.  Truth is that I may or may not have done that and it was all in my head.  I spent a good part of Monday night keeping God out of my heart.   I kept thinking  about the mistake I assumed to make,. Something happened at work that some one at the Central office had wanted to talk to me, but when I called Tuesday morning, no one knew anything about it.   Meanwhile, I had been turning over and over in my mind and kept asking myself “What did I do wrong?”

I kept at this thinking and even after I talked to my dispatcher, I still felt that I was gonna get in trouble.  “Today’s troubles are more than enough.”, came to mind.  “Do not fear”.    All these good wisdom sayings of Jesus came to me, but I still kept building the wall around my heart, attempting to protect my fear of being forgiven by God for just being me.

I felt God wanting to “hug” me and tell me I’m good, but I just kept pushing him away.  I didn’t want him to love me.  I wanted him to hate me and finally leave me alone.  I have accepted that I am a loved child of God, but I felt so unworthy of the God of the universe that he sent his Spirit to overturn my stuborness to love myself for who I am at the moment.

What finally tore down that wall this time was my youngest daughter, of her own choice, coming over to me and saying “Daddy, I love you.”    Yet again, one of the best reasons to have children, so that they can show you how to love the Creator of the Universe.   I took a few moments and went to my bedroom and prayed.  “Father, I love you.”  And then the “but” started to come out and the long drawn out prayer was about to start.

“That’s all I ask of you.”

What?

“That’s all I ask of you.”

To love you?

“That’s all I ask of you”.

The sense of forgiveness was overwhelming and comforting.  I felt that God knows why we humans will cut ourselves off from Him.  I understood that no matter what, He is guiding me to be the person I am at the moment and who I will be tomorrow.

I was forgiven, not for the mistake I assumed I made, but forgiven for not letting God’s love live in me.

 

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