Who Am I?

24 11 2009

That is the question that I found myself asking yesterday after my worrying about a mistake that dissapointed both myself and another person.

I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I really don’t know who I am.  I know what I do:  being a dad, bus driver, husband, ect.  But who am I?

I look at my Facebook page and see that I have a lot of interests, but do those intest really reflect my personality or do I just want people to like me?  My about page on this blog gives me a bit of who I think I am, but now I’m not 100% sure of that.

We let the world define us,  turn us into someone who we are not and think that by comprimising with the world view of you that we will be happy.  I can say today that I’m really not happy about the way I think the world looks at me.  Most of what I’m believing is lies.

As a school bus driver, I feel that I don’t have any respect from other parents who’s kids “never make mistakes” when it comes to riding the bus or going to school.   As a parent I sometimes feel that I don’t understand why I see my children make the same learning and social errors I made and yet they are more able to let things go than I can.

As a child of God, I don’t know how God sees me anymore.  I have prayed, even yelled and come up empty.   I have let religion define me, I’ve let others define me, and now I don’t know who I am.

When I was a young child I had dreams of being a dentist, until I found out I can’t stand the sight of real blood.  After Star Wars came out in 1977, I wanted to be Han Solo, a bit of a scoundral who had a cool spaceship, fought an evil empire and was very sure about himself.  After high school I wanted to be a film director but didn’t have good enough grades or attention span to go to collage.  I wanted to get married so I would have someone who would take care of me and I would not have to work a lot.  I wanted to be a good “Christian” so I would have the keys to a Kingdom that would magically take away all the pain and mistakes that I made and they would be forgotten and I would never make those mistakes again.   I wanted to have everything I wanted NOW!    Over the years I’ve deluded myself with movies,  books, and other distractions to try to define me as a guy who has it all.  I’ve made the mistake of not believing that I am good, have faked the goodness, and doubt that anybody can be really good.

So is this all I am?  Is there nothing more?

Is life just about going through the motions, attempting not to screw up?  I don’t feel alive today.  I feel like a zombie who needs to eat some brains just to survive.  I’m tired of surviving.  I’m tired of being a fake.

I’m empty.   I feel like a shell and want something to fill me and show me who I am.  I’m scared of this.  I’m frightened that I will fail so bad that I will end up with my wife leaving me.   (This is a falsehood, I know that she loves me and wouldn’t do that, but this is where I’m at right now.)

I’ve was told that “You are Steven McDade and that is good enough.”   I’ve let others define me.  I’ve always done what others expect of me, done my best to serve without anything in return.  Well, I’ve had enough of that!   I need to learn to respect myself, understand that just because you make mistakes doesn’t make you a terrible person.   I have to quit believing the lie that I have to be someone else’s version of perfect.

I have to quit trying to be George and MaryAnne’s little boy and start being the man who God says I am.

What is scary is that I see myself starting to live life as Jesus did.  And I’m letting His life become mine.  But how do I stay Steven and not let my whole self start to think I’m a savior?  Wait, that is the wrong Jesus. He never claimed to be a savior, but a wisdom guide and friend.  The Jesus that I wish to imitate didn’t take guff from those who thought he was crazy.   He hung out with the despots and loosers.   He loved to be with people and loved a good debate about his Father.   He had doubts about what his dad wanted him to do, but did it anyways. Jesus wanted people to know that there was nothing to fear about the world and to live a different way that being obsessed with “the Roman way” and be  “The Way”.   He wanted the world to be different and lived life in contrast to the rulers of the world.

How I wish that Jesus was here right now.  Sometimes I wonder if His way is really good or not.  I want to live his simple view.  I’m at the point of selling everything that I have, not only because the family needs the money, but because I just don’t care about stuff anymore.  I want my life to be like Jesus’ was while he was walking the earth.  I want to be able to take those along with me who want to be adventrous, trusting of each other, sharing with each other, and being with each other.

I’m tried of being an individual who must make his own way in the world.  I’m through with beliving that the Bible is factual history.  I want to be who God wants me to be.  If that is to be a brother of Jesus, doing what Our Father says to do through our actions and love, so be it.

I need to know how to be in His Spirit so that it becomes mine too.  That I can’t claim ownership of this Spirit is hard, for this Spirit is for everyone!  No one person is Jesus, and yet we all are to be him too.  I dispise paradoxes in reality.  Much better in books and movies, where you don’t have to live them out and just leave them behind.

Papa, please help define me.  I’m yours now.  I don’t want to be the way I think I should be, but be the way you are showing me with the example of Jesus.





4 responses

24 11 2009
Kevin Beck

Steven, you are you. You’re not messed up. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly perfect and you can touch the divine essence of yourself any time.

Change is constant, and that feels crazy sometimes. But it is a blessing because it keeps us free.

The paradoxes are frustrating . But remember that paradox means “two glories beside one another.” Maybe consider them koans that bring about an awakening that words can’t communicate.

Love ya, bro.

24 11 2009

Thanks Kevin.

Of course you are correct that I can touch the divine anytime, but what happens too is that I block that divine out. I can feel His love attempting to come through but I block it out. I learned that “you are no good, no matter what” and that comes from the non touch that my dad, George, showed me.
He comes from the generation that men don’t show their emotions, you are born into the world alone, and you disappoint no matter what you do.

I just finished reading Saving Jesus from the Church: Going from worshiping Christ to following Jesus, and there is a great story of the author’s dream. I wish I was a part of his church. But I’m feeling that I’m supposed to form a new group, that starts with my immediate family. The wife and daughters, and build from there.

25 11 2009
Kevin Beck

I get that. And in my experience, I’ve blocked out the divine too. All of the illusion, fear, shame, mistrust that has been programmed into us can be unlearned. Maybe one place to begin is self-compassion.

Everything starts with our immediate surroundings. One of my favorite pieces of wisdom is, “It takes only one person to change a relationship.” ANd that person is always “me.”

Thank you for being so open. I’m honored to know you.

With love,

25 11 2009

Read the next post: Keeping Forgiveness Out. Pretty much what I wrote

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