Mistakes and Forgiveness

23 11 2009

What I’m writing about today is mistakes.

We all hate making them, but I have a hard time letting go of a mistake.   We all make them, but I don’t know how to forgive myself and move on.  I start to not love myself or who I am.  I move into a sadden place and get depressed and want to never be seen again by anyone.

I know I’m a good person.   It never feels good to make a mistake, but if God made all things good and has never made a mistake, I need my mistake turned into a learning moment so I will not make the mistake again.  But there is no guarantee that I won’t make mistakes in the future.  So why bother even doing anything?

This is a vicious cycle.   I wonder why  when I make a mistake I feel like I’m letting down my parents, who are retired seniors now.  The guilt I feel is like that of a child that when my parents find out they will not like me, berate me, or even be mean.

I think I understand why I have trouble leaving a mistake behind and attempt to make it disappear.  I’m trying to make up for all those disappointments that I think my parents felt.  And there is no way to make up for that.

I have a caring heart and the mistake I made has happened to many people.  Yes, I’m being vague because it’s not the mistake that is the problem.  It’s the still trying to please everyone.    I know that no matter what I do, someone will not be pleased.

I have to stop worrying about what might happen when I can’t correct a mistake and leave it behind.   If I don’t then I stay in the mistake and never live in the moment.

The doubts that I feel make me want to curl into a ball and hide.  This has been a problem for me all my life.   I’m doubting that I’m even worthy of my family at this moment. I know that is a lie, but it feels true. I then get to the point of doubting that I’m worthy of even being of God.  I start to doubt my skills, even my own body and just get so depressed that I will not be able to do anything.

A lot of good right now that God is forgiving, and that I’ve been forgiven by my friends and family.   But how do I forgive myself?  Or do I even need to forgive myself?

I know I have to forgive myself, but it’s so much easier for someone else to do it FOR me.   But only I can forgive myself.   I can hear it from others but until I put that forgiveness in my heart, I’ll stay sad.

This is not fun.

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