Lost and Tired

26 02 2009

I feel lost.   Since I left the instiutuional church model, I feel lost.

Yet, I feel the hope welling up inside of me.

I’ve been really tired and wonder if what I’m doing, namely driving a school bus,  is what God wills for me.  But I’m thinking like the human that I am.  I understand that God’s will is love, but what that looks and feels like seems very far away, if that makes sense.

The other night before going to sleep, my wife said to me “Thank you for keeping God first in this family.”    This helped me a bit.  But I still wonder why I’m still so tired.  I’m getting a good night’s rest, at least 7 hours, but still wake up dreading getting out of bed.

I do have some seasonal emotional disharmony and that can be part of it.  But most of it comes from not having those who I saw every week at church not making an effort to even return my emails.  Those who do keep in touch are busy with thier lives and so email is the best way to keep in touch.   I just want to be with those that I’m supposed to be with. 

I feel rutterless right now, and just letting God run things in my life.

Good news came in the form of an email from common root, and this Saturday night, an informal meeting about  the organic church is here in Portland.   I’m looking forward to this night.  

So what is this ramble about?  Just that I am not 100% sure about anything right now in my life.   I hope that God’s guidence will put me with the people He wants me to be with.   

I’m tired of feeling alone on this path.  I know that there are many who have gone on this journey before me.  I hope that they can stop and give me a map to follow too.  And God may use me as He sees fit to teach what I understand and have learned too.

I know that God found me before I could even walk.  I’ve never been separated from Him,  that is what Jesus pointed out.    So I hope that my recovery from the IC is about over and that I can start having some “solid food” again. 

I want to be unlost today.    I want to know what I should do.

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