This week my dad called me and told me he is moving out of my step mom’s house and leaving her. Another 20 year marriage for him, down the tubes. Of course he’s not giving a full explanation, I had to find out from a mutual friend that it was from some comment that my step mom made that brought both of them to the decision to call it quits. It also involves money issues, and fears.
What I’m finding interesting here is that the pattern had been repeated from when my parents decided to divorce. That comments were made, the issue of finances, and fears. One other thing that I noticed that my dad doesn’t mention, love.
I’ve done Google searches and find that the story of HOW divorce really does mess things up. There is plenty of scientific reasearch and I’ve know people who have gone through divorce and have come out just fine. But I find that these stories are either taboo to talk about, or have been completely ignored.
I have met way too many people who have either divorced, are in the process of being divorced, or had parents who have split. There is evidence that divorce is the main threat to the institution of marriage. Our romantic ideals of what it means to be married is another reason how come people are calling it quits. Even in”Christian” entertainment, marriage is portrayed as a sappy romance instead of the reality that it’s two lives becoming one life lived in harmony with each other.
I encountered a person who divorced because of a “breach of contract”. He shipped out for six months on a military tour of duty, came back and found his young bride unequipped to deal with the reality of being married. He didn’t go into much besides that she couldn’t keep up the trailer they lived in. This soilder went on to say that he felt that because he was going into action that it was expected for him to marry. I fin this a sad statement on how we so badly want to follow a fantasy instead of a God infused reality of what I’m discovering being married really is.
What I’m discovering, and there are many life long committed married couples out in the world who would agree with me, that marriage is NOT a contract! I do see that my generation is getting a mixed message about marriage . It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, marriage is MORE than a contract.
I was raised in a Methodist tradition, having a dad who’s belief is deist, a mom who I’m still trying to figure out what her religious belief system is, a Grandmother who SHOWED me what it means to have faith in a loving God, and marring into a family who live in the Catholic faith, I’ve started to understand that when you marry, it’s NOT a social contract. It’s much more than just vows. It is SACRED. It is SACRIFICIAL. It’s UNCONDITIONAL! And you have to keep at it. ( The ONLY reason for a civil divorce, in my opinion, is infedleity and/or abuse. It is an unpopular stance to take these days to say stay married and work it out even with the turmoil of domestic abuse. In these cases there must be a “cooling off” period that may last months or even years and get good counseling. Yes if you are being abused by a bullying mate, GET THE HELL OUT! GET HELP! I speak from experenece here. That story will be told and it won’t be pretty.)
The terms “divorce” and “seperation” in today’s socital language seem to be interchangeable. To keep things clear, when I post about this subject, divorce will mean the act of canceling the marriage by civil laws, leaving each other and starting over. “Separation” is the act of taking time away from each other, but not filing for divorce.
I will not be “safe” about the story. I feel that there are too many people who are suffering with guilt over their parent’s divorce or their own. I want you to know that you are not alone and that the time has come for me to tell this story, not because I want sympathy, but to have others know that they are not alone. That someone else has been through a similar situation.
The conservative position on marriage has turned the institution into an idol to be worshiped. This to me is a terrible thing. I hear people value marriage but not value the people who are married. We spend tons of money for one day only to say well that day was great but this isn’t what I signed up for. Where is my happily ever after? Why does my mate berate and hurt me? The answer for me is he only loves himself and ONLY himself. More details on this will happen.
Marriage is not for timid people or for bullies. It is a very humbling state to live. Perhaps some are not built for marriage. Jesus even told people who were married to stay married. Very hard to do in a society that says you are more important than the people around you, but you still have to treat people the way you wish to be treated.
I do see a connection between divorces and bullying. They both work on fear. They both work on aggresive anger. They both happen when compassion for another person is not there.
I must admit this is difficult to do. No one really likes to point out the ugliness, filth and disgusting actions that define who they were and what it takes to change. I had posted a while back on how my life had become an empty page and I was unclear on what God was going to do with my life now. It’s clear now that I need to do this. I hope you will follow this story.